Trying Not To Love You
by PackPrincess
Summary: STEREK. It can be hard when to love a sourwolf. Even harder is when you know you will only ever be second best to someone else and yet you love him anyway because being with him for even the shortest time in any form has got to be better than being without him at all, right?
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One

 _You call to me, and I fall at your feet_

 _How could anyone ask for more?_

 _And our time apart, like knives in my heart_

 _How could anyone ask for more?_

Stiles POV:

I love him. There are no ifs, buts or maybes about it. I love Derek Hale. I think I knew from the moment I held him up in a pool for two hours during the Kanima incident but with everything else going I was just too afraid to let myself admit it and with living in Beacon Hills and his seemingly endless parade of gorgeous bed mates and girlfriends it just never seemed like the right time to say anything or do anything about it. So I tried to move passed it and after Mexico when he left with Braeden without so much as a goodbye, I genuinely thought that I may never see him again and that physically hurt.

It had been six months since Mexico and I was at Derek's loft just doing my usual check on the place. I had just opened the door to leave and walked straight into a solid body. I just about bounced back and would have fell back on my ass if it wasn't for two strong arms grabbing me and stopping mere inches from the ground. "Derek?" I said in almost a whisper as he pulled me back up into a standing position. "Stiles? What are you doing here?" He asks me, looking confused as to why I am in his loft in the first place. "You're back." I say more to myself then to him before I gather my thoughts and finally answer his question. "I was just checking on the place, I've sort of been looking after it while you were gone on the odd chance that you were coming back not that anyone of us knew if you were coming back seeing as you never said goodbye and we haven't heard from you in six months." I took a breath. I knew I was rambling and I was trying to keep the hurt from my voice but I continued anyway, I just needed to get out of there and fast. I was just making a fool of myself now. "But you're back now so I'll be going, see you around Derek." I said as I went to grab my backpack from near the loft door and went to step around him to leave when he spoke. "Stiles wait." He sounded almost sad, not used to hearing that tone in his voice I halt in my movements and turn to face him. He looks at me and looks as though he wants to say something important, his mouth opens and closes a few times while he considers what to say before he finally settles on it. "Thank you. For taking of the loft." If I was a betting man I could have sworn that he was going to say something else and I can't say I wasn't disappointed so I just nodded and left. I can't believe he's back.

It was only a matter of days before I would see him again and it was at the next pack meeting, which we had taken to having at the McCall house in his absence. I was late getting there as Dad caught me on my way out of the house on his way back in from a double shift at the station and wanted to know if I had decided on any colleges yet. He seemed keen for me to get out of Beacon Hills for some reason, but he had gotten more protective of me, as if there were possible, since he finally learnt the truth about the supernatural going ons in Beacon Hills. I quickly shot him a reply and left for Scott's. As I let myself in and yelled my apologies from the front door, it didn't even cross my mind that he might be there but sure enough sitting on one of the two seat couches was the man that only a few days earlier had caught me in his arms and the man whom which I have had serious feelings for a very long time. Nobody but Derek seemed to notice my hesitation as I took the only remaining seat left in the room which was of course right next to him on the couch. Edging myself as close to the opposite end of the couch as I could I caught him glance at me with a puzzled look out of the corner of my eye. A look that quickly became one of sadness and before anyone else could notice it was gone, replaced by his same old stoic, emotionless expression. As the meeting wound on I could only obtain bits and pieces as my ADHD-addled mind was running a hundred miles an hour with all these different thoughts. Thoughts about Derek. I really needed to get out of here and finally my prayers were answered and the meeting drew to a close. We usually have a pack hang out session following a meeting but I made my excuses and got the hell out of there and away from Derek as quickly as I could. I had just reached the door to the jeep when I felt a hand on my shoulder turn me around and the cause of my distraction was staring back at me with an unreadable expression on his face. "Why are you avoiding me, Stiles?" The question sounded simple but the answer was anything but. Because I love you and when you left it hurt me. Because how could you ever have feelings for me the same way I have feelings for you. Because you're straight and have never shown any interest in guys, well at least not this one. Is what I wanted to say but I just couldn't why? Because I'm a coward so instead I just replied with a half truth, "You make me nervous." "I always make you nervous, what's different?" He had me there, so I decided to throw caution to the wind, it was either now or never. So I placed my hand behind his neck and pulled him towards me and kissed him. At first I was sure he was going to push me away, as he didn't kiss me back but then something changed. It was if a switch had been flicked and suddenly he pushed me back against the side of the jeep and deepened the kiss, forcing me to groan into his mouth as I could feel myself harden against him and him harden against me. All too soon however, breathing became an issue and we slowly pulled apart just far enough so that our foreheads were leaning against each other and that I was still pinned between his firm, well-muscled body. "Come back to mine." He said it more as a statement then as a question but that was fine with me. Still slightly out of breath from the passionate embrace only moments ago I nod and he takes a step back to allow me to get into the jeep before hurriedly getting in the Camaro.

I don't even remember the drive to the loft, the next thing I do remember is Derek dragging me inside and pushing me against the now closed door for another passionate kiss before dragging me towards his bedroom. What followed once we were in there was nothing short of spectacular. Once we had stripped each other he had me in a moaning mess in next to no time and it wasn't until I started begging did he finally start opening me up with his fingers and tongue in preparation for his massive, hard cock that was absolutely drool worthy. Before long I practically levitating, my back was arched off the bed that much when without warning he removed his fingers and let out low laugh in response to my whimper at the action before brutally thrusting into me. The preparation he carried out did little to really prepare me for the size of his monster cock and as he fully sheathed himself inside me I released a silent scream in pain. As I opened my eyes I was met by his and from the blue hue they had taken on and the claws that had extended from his fingertips that were wrapped around my thighs that he held over his shoulders I knew he was fighting a losing battle to keep to wolf at bay. "Derek its ok, don't hold back. Fuck me." I said almost in whisper but it was enough. Without further delay he pulled nearly the whole way out before slamming back into me at an inhuman pace. With every thrust he was hitting my prostate and I knew it wouldn't be long before I came. I could feel myself beginning to tighten around his cock and after a few more expert strokes I came screaming his name and that was enough to force him over the edge as well as I felt him fill me with his hot seed and collapse on top of me. We stayed that way for a few minutes before he eased out of me and headed to the bathroom to retrieve a washcloth with which he cleaned me. If I wasn't so amazingly blissed out from the orgasm I had just received I probably would have been embarrassed by this act but I just couldn't care less in my current state. After wiping himself over he climbed back into bed with me and spoke, "I like you too Stiles but this is all it could ever be between us. Sex. I came back from Mexico because Braeden said she needed some time to think about our relationship and our future together and whether that's here in Beacon Hills or elsewhere, one thing is for certain its together. Are you going to be okay with that? With just being friends with benefits?" I felt like I had just been punched in the gut. We had just shared this, well I thought it was, amazing moment and he tells me all it was, all it could ever be is sex and that he basically is just here until Braeden decides where they are going to live and start their lives together. What could I say to that? On the one hand, I did not want to be just his bit on the side until something better came along. But on the other, now I had had a taste of him like this I don't think I could give it up so easily so I made a decision that I knew I would one day regret. "I think I can handle it." He looked at me with a smile, that made him look genuinely happy and replied "Well that's settled then. How about we have a nap and then round 2?" I just nodded sleepily as I turned on my side, my back facing him and curled up for a rest, the last thing I remember before sleep over took me was the warmth of him pulling me against him to spoon while we slept. And so it began, our friends with benefits relationship. Basically whenever he got horny I got a text message and me being the push over was usually at the loft within half an hour engaging in or getting sucked, fucked or rimmed but I still has this pit in my stomach because I knew I loved him and all I was to him was a way to waste away his days and relieve his sexual frustration and that made me somewhat depressed.


	2. Chapter 2

_But if there's a pill to help me forget,_

 _God knows I haven't found it yet_

 _But I'm dying to, God I'm trying to_

Stiles POV:

I know that whatever we have isn't real, well at least on Derek's half but for me it was getting harder and harder to find where to draw the line between friends with benefits and being in a relationship especially the longer our little tryst continued. In the beginning it was easy, it was just sex but as time wound on we found ourselves doing other stuff as well stuff like any normal couple would do. Like snuggling up on the couch watching tv together or even just spooning in bed after a particular trying day or experience with the latest big bad. It was really nice, I mean we were still having mind blowing sex but it was also nice to think that perhaps Derek wasn't just using me for sex afterall that perhaps he felt something more for me too.

One night while on the outskirts of the reserve, the pack came up against a particularly nasty trio of wolves hell bent on death and destruction in Beacon Hills and due in no small part of using myself as bait, we had managed to corner them but they weren't going down without a fight. Scott had managed to distract one long enough for Derek to attack it from behind and after some teamwork between the two of them they managed to rip the throat out of the first wolf. The Second was occupying Allison, Isaac and Lydia who between the three of them were having some success in incapacitating said wolf. In taking stock of the scene in front me I quickly realised that one of the enemy wolves were missing. Unfortunately, my realisation came a little too late and next thing I know there's a hand wrapped around my neck from behind and wrasping breath in my ear, "You think you and you're friends have won? You think you and the big guy," as he said this he steered my gaze towards Derek, "will get a happily ever after? You're weak. You have no abilities that could make you useful to the pack unless perhaps maybe you're that good in the sack." As this is being said I can feel him grinding in to me and I am frozen in fear and the only thing I can do is whimper and close my eyes. With my friends otherwise engaged it dawns on me that no one will come to my rescue. This is wolf is right, I am useless I can't even protect myself, is it any wonder Derek doesn't love me back the way I love him. I have resigned myself to this fact and as I do I feel the hand around my neck tighten, restricting my breathing and just as I am about to pass out I feel my body sailing through the air and my heading hit what I think is a tree and then everything goes black.

"Stiles. Stiles come on wake up." The voice sounds so familiar but yet in my addled state I can't place it. As my senses slowly begin working again, two things become very clear. The first is that the pain in the back of my head is beyond excruciating and that there is some sort of slick substance running down the back of my neck which I soon realise is blood. My blood. The second is that there is a slight pressure on my hand but it is not until I open eyes that I realise that its Lydia holding my hand and that there are five faces staring back me, each with varying looks of worry on their faces. I groan as I try to sit up from position on the floor of the woods but before I can get too far in that thought a hand is placed in the middle of my chest slowly forcing me back into a lying down position. The hand on my chest, surprisingly enough was Derek's. Scott however was the first to talk, "Dude, you gave us all quite the scare. Don't ever do that again. I don't know what I would do without my brother." He said with a small smirk on his face. I was in too much pain to really respond with anything more than a grimace, which made all their faces return to one of worry. Thankfully, Lydia broke the uncomfortable silence, "Right we can't leave him here, he needs to go to the hospital." Ever the sensible one, she squeezes my hand as she speaks. "No he doesn't he come back to mine." This statement from Derek has everyone's eyes leaving me and turning to him like he had just sprouted two heads or something. Realising all the attention his last statement had just gotten he quickly continues, "I can heal him, alpha powers remember. Besides it might take a little while and take a lot out of me so its better I do it at the loft then out here in the middle of the words." His explanation seemed to appease the rest of the pack. Before Isaac added, "Yeah and besides his dad is out of town remember, so if he does have a concussion he probably shouldn't be alone tonight so where better for him to rest and recuperate then with an alpha." He seemed pleased at himself at the statement, I was in too much pain to really consider why. Scott was next to speak, "Alright then its settled, Derek, Stiles will go with you back to the loft, if you need anything or anything happens call me." He says this as he looks pointedly at me. Isaac and Scott go to help me off the ground but before they have the chance Derek scoops me up in his arms, bridal style, and the pack makes their way back towards the cars. Derek proceeds to strap me into the passenger's seat of the Camaro before fishing the keys for my jeep out of my pocket and tossing them at Scott. I vaguely remember seeing Scott and Isaac piling into my jeep and Allison and Lydia getting into Lydia's car before hearing the rumble of the Camaro beneath me and then we were headed towards the loft.

I must have fallen asleep on the way to the loft because the next time I open my eyes I am lying on the couch and not in the sitting in the car. "Good you're awake." I hear his voice coming from the kitchen as he walks in carrying a bowl and a wash cloth, placing both on the coffee table in front of me before gently lifting my head and sitting down so that I am now leaning with my head in his lap. He gently, lifted my head and began to clean the now dry blood from the back of my head. As he did so I realised he was pulling the pain from me as it started to lessen and as such I was able to concentrate more on the light caresses that Derek was now pressing to the side of my face. I looked up into his eyes and he stared back at mine. "You scared me tonight." He said barely above a whisper but still clear enough for me to hear. Before I could respond he leant down and kissed me and it was unlike any kiss we had shared previously. Where usually our kisses were rough and fuelled by need, this one seemed more tender, like we had all the time in the world. We reluctantly pulled away and slowly got into a more comfortable position in which we were both lying on our sides on the couch and he was spooning me, an arm pulling my back firmly against his chest. Both exhausted, it didn't take long for either of us to drift off to sleep but as I did I couldn't help but think I truly love this man and that thought brought a smile to my face.

We were woken the next morning unexpectedly by two voices before either one of us could shake our sleep induced daze, there was suddenly two people standing in the doorway to the loft staring at us gobsmacked. Next thing I know Derek has unceremoniously dumped me on the floor in his haste to get up. That shakes Lydia and Isaac from their places at the door as they race forward to help me from the floor as Derek had made no effort to help me himself. "What are the two you doing here?" Derek says gruffly rubbing a hand on the back of his neck, clearly making every effort to avoiding addressing the fact that Lydia and Isaac had just walked in on us snuggling on the couch. Lydia threw a duffle bag at Derek and replied, "We thought Stiles might need some clean clothes and we wanted to make sure that he was okay but it seems as though he was in very capable hands." She said this last bit trying to keep the smirk off her face, which just made me blush. After hearing this Derek's mood seemed to go from bad to worse, so I decided to ask Lydia if she wouldn't mind dropping me home on her way to drop Isaac back at Scott's. She agreed and after changing I made a hasty retreat out of the loft, Derek ignoring me the entire time.

Nobody spoke again until the three of us were in the car and it was Isaac who broke the silence. "So you and Derek huh? I knew it" he said it like he was so pleased with himself. "What do you mean?" I managed to get out, stunned from my place in the backseat. "Come on Stiles it's obvious that you guys have chemistry, I'm just surprised it took you guys this long." Lydia said without taking her eyes off the road. "Its plain to see that you both have feelings for each other." She continued before Isaac chimed in with "Yeah he definitely loves you." This made me laugh and both of them turned from their places in the front seat to glance at me. I answered their looks explaining my laugh, "The feelings you're seeing are mine for him, all that I am to him is a warm body." It hurt to voice these thoughts out loud but I continued. "I am just a means of distraction until Braeden decides on their future and then he will dump my sorry ass like yesterday's newspaper." Lydia thought for a second but spoke once more, "Maybe that's how it started but last night I saw the way he looked at you, how worried he was. I think perhaps his feelings for you are stronger than you think. Talk to him, tell him how you feel. I think you could be pleasantly surprised by his response." Could Lydia be right? Is it possible that Derek likes me back, maybe even loves me like I love him?


End file.
